The Narrator's Life

A Day In The Life of the Narrator

Well, I've decided to take a short break from my column because my idiotic creator lost part of the video game one I already started. Besides, what's better to do on this sunny evening than to talk about one of the most exciting topics in the world- Me!

So, I bet all of you are wondering- what do I do on a daily basis? What makes me tick? What do I do when I'm not throwing tic-tacs at my creator's brain from the inside because she's scheming some new idea for me, and her other roleplay characters? Trust me... they've got it worse than me.

For those of you thinking that I'm just the ordinary run of the mill guy and have a life just like the rest of you.... then you're idiots! I'm the supreme, most exciting guy on the planet!.... Yet I still don't know why no one's bowing down to me yet....

My morning is the typical American household morning. I roll out of bed, all energized for the day at the reasonable hour of six A.M..... yea, like hell I do. I get dragged out of bed by my alarm clock after it goes off a record 187 times. Yea, that's right, I like the snooze button a little too much. So shoot me. What does it matter that my morning begins at three in the afternoon? That's normal human behavior to me....

Oh yea, I forgot to mention. I keep getting these damn tickets for breach of peace because of my alarm clock. I guess setting it to play the Pokerap at deafening decibels isn't much appreciated by the neighbors. I don't know what their problem is, I think waking up to the pokerap is good for the soul!

But anyways, not like I worry about those tickets. They've yet to get me into court. I have my schemes to get out of both that and jury duty. I have a tendency to make myself come off as insane by running around with a custom made arrow that looks like it's going through my head and has ketchup pouring out of it. Hey, I might be sent to the hospital, but it sure as hell keeps me out of court.

Looks like I've run my mouth a bit, and gotten off topic. Well, after my quite lienant waking time, I saunter down to my kitchen and go grab myself a nice nutrious breakfast/ lunch. Oh, and for the record, I hate the word brunch. Even though it was created for the lazy people like me, the person who came up with it should be shot. Brutally.

So, for my healthy breakfast, I eat some pepperoni pizza that's been floating around my fridge for I dunno... three weeks or so? And then I have a McDonald's pie for lunch, and wash the whole thing down with a chock full of calories milkshake. I know, I am so the health nut, right?

After that comes the fun part, neighbor annoying time. These pesky neighbors have been driving me nuts since I came here, always sending me fruit baskets, jello, the works. I mean, could they be any more inconsiderate to my feelings? Next thing I know, they'll be giving me a fruit cake, which will promptly be going through my window and into their child's face.

So, over the years, I've come up with some creative ways of ticking them off. They range from small to large. I start with simple things like throwing pennies, and then I work my way up to bricks, and sometimes, if I'm really feeling generous, I throw an old microwave or appliance that I found at the dump. You know, those extremely dirty and rat infected ones that even a hobo wouldn't touch. Occassionally I also chase their animals and children around with my huge spork. They never seem to know how to react. I've never seen children scream so much.

That tasks usually lasts me a while, unless it's one of the all too common times one of those damn neighbors can't take a joke, and end up calling the cops. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've had to run from the cops. I used to have other giant utensils until the police shot them.....

After that comes dinner, which is normally lunch leftovers or whatever I can find lying around or outside. We won't even talk about the time I tried to eat some tree leaves one time and threw up in colors not natural for a normal human.....

Oh well, enough of that. After dinner is what I call be a lazy jerk time. I sit around in front of the TV (I couldn't be caught dead actually reading or doing something to further my intelligence) and am normally watching some kind of mindless cartoon. I also use this time to plan crazy schemes that I do on the days I get bored. But I can't let you in on those, or I'd ruin all the fun and would get in trouble with the police for conspiracy to commit this and that.

Afterwards I answer my numerous amount of fanmail from my all so adoring fans...**begins to sob** Why don't any of you send me fanmail? I thought you all loved me! Do you enjoy seeing a grown man cry?!

I tend to go to sleep late, because I'm that much of a party animal. Yup, the lastest I ever go to bed is nine at night.

Well, I'm getting a bit sleepy from writing this, so good night to all, and to all a good night.